19/05/2016

Normal people envy vulgar things; abnormal people envy unusual things. You must be thinking “What the hell is she talking about”? Since I can remember, I always got attached to people, so, you can perfectly imagine my fear of “losing” them. Generally, people desire the best that other people have; their money, their good job, their lives, their physical beauty, etc. These things don’t mean anything to me, literally, as I will "prove" you tomorrow (Too much sensitivity is good or bad?!).

A few months after my marriage, someone said that the first of us two who turned off the light, would die first. I remember thinking a couple of days about this and trying to remember whether it was he or I. I still don’t know... and right now, it does not matter anymore! I just didn’t want to be the last one dying; it would be too painful to be left alone and bear all the suffering.

If you think I am crazy, I can absolutely understand your point of view... after all, no one wants to die first! Nobody who didn't suffer beyond their limits wants to die, isn't so? (I remember telling him at the time and I also remember his cynical expression... whatever!)

My childhood friend's death really touched me. I can't say I ever felt jealous of anyone, but surely I feel envious of her death. She won't see her beloved ones suffering, dragging themselves, struggling to live and, at the end, die. She won't be left alone when she needs people the most... I mean, it's the end of suffering. For her, of course! I wish it could be me in her place, even if it seems selfish and I should feel ashamed for saying it...

In fact, I do; I look at the mirror and I feel ashamed for who I am... and who I became...

Once, a woman told me that nobody envies the dead people. Death ends a cycle and as no one wants to die, no one envies them. I must be unique... And I don't mean in a good way; definitely not!